


Fe3h reincarnation au chatfic thats it thats the title

by Mi_n_ico



Series: Fe3h reincarnation au [1]
Category: Fire Emblem: Fuukasetsugetsu | Fire Emblem: Three Houses
Genre: Completely forgot to tag Byltiza even though Jeritzas chat name is literally Byleths Boyfriend, Golden Deer is a MESS, LGBTQ Themes, Multi, Polyamory, Reincarnation, Transgender Characters, Will add more ship tags as they become relevant, a cute mess tho, chat fic, im smartn’t, the works y’all, took me five chapters to notice, two whole asexuals
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-06-08
Updated: 2020-10-14
Packaged: 2021-03-04 00:13:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 11,445
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24604501
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mi_n_ico/pseuds/Mi_n_ico
Summary: I’m really only good at like one fic format so here we go I’m centering an ENTIRE AU around a chat fic. Because it’s just easier this way. Various oneshots and 3-4 chapter fics will build off the universe this establishes, be sure to check those out of you like actual writing
Relationships: Dimitri Alexandre Blaiddyd/Felix Hugo Fraldarius, Dorothea Arnault/Edelgard von Hresvelg, Ferdinand von Aegir/Hubert von Vestra, Jeritza von Hrym/My Unit | Byleth, Lorenz Hellman Gloucester/Claude von Riegan, Lorenz Hellman Gloucester/Leonie Pinelli, Sylvain Jose Gautier/Claude von Riegan
Series: Fe3h reincarnation au [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1778623
Comments: 13
Kudos: 73





	1. One

**Author's Note:**

> welcome to my ten millionth chat fic. If you look at my page and count the ones I've actually published, I have like 10 more for various fandoms just rotting in my laptop. But I actually managed to get enough material to get a good chapter count for this. A lot of my others are stuck at a point where I just have no idea how to continue them. But with this one "don't stop me now" started playing and I just can't stop

Claude: GoldenDad

Hilda: Delicate Flower

Ignatz: Ignites

Raphael: Lunchman

Marianne: Disney Princess

Lorenz: Lemon Helmet

Leonie: The Favorite

Lysithea: Kneecap Thief

Dimitri: die-mitri

Sylvain: The Fucker Floats

Ingrid: big oof

Felix: feels-ix

Dedue: Trumpet Noises

Annete: Weedys

Ashe: UwU *shoots u*

Mercedes: Motorcycle

Edelgard: Emperor Thotticus

Hubert: Emo Shit

Ferdinand: FerdieBirdie

Bernadetta: SniperWriter

Dorothea: Edelgard's bitch

Petra: Pet rock

Caspar: The Strong One

Lindhart: The Smart One

Byleth: OnlyChildyet2ndfavorite

—

**Byleth created a group chat**

**Byleth changed their name to OnlyChildYet2ndFavorite**

**OnlyChildYet2ndFavorite added 24 people to the chat**

**OnlyChildYet2ndFavorite named the chat "class of chaos"**

**OnlyChildYet2ndFavorite** : so I know yall already have house chats and friend group chats but like... Rhea said we're supposed to like... "promote cross-house communication" or something, in a way that includes everyone. somethimg about how we're all reincarnated, the usual bullcrap. She wants to make sure you all don't try to bomb the school and/or kill each other the moment my back is turned.

**GoldenDad** : oh this is gonna suck in the best way possible

**EmoShit** : oh dear as if the Black Eagles chat didn't give me enough alerts on my phone

**FerdieBirdie** : :<

**EmoShit** : what do you want?

**FerdieBirdie** : >:<

**The Smart One** : and now I have to watch them do this in anothr chat... joy...

**The Strong One:** ... says th one who sat outside my bedroom and whined until I matched chat names with you. okay.

**Kneecap Thief:** huh that emoticon can be read in either direction. neat.

**die-mitri** : I can only assume this will end poorly.

**The Fucker Floats:** pfffff yeah esp cuse we all kept our house chat nicknames so everyone can see that u n Felix match names!!!!!!!

**feels-ix** : i.... i hate you all

**die-mitri** : i know <3

**Emo Shit** : not to show human emotion but... thats cute

**FerdieBirdie** : maybe "I hate you" can be our always....

**The Favorite:** speaking of weird nicknames.... I can only assume thats Sylvain????

**die-mitri** : well, once upon a time when we were just starting our days here at the college, as little running start high schoolers all trying to hide the fact that we were rapidly gaining back memories of past lives, Sylvain was unhappy with having his destiny re-thrust upon him and decided to attempt to rid himself of his Relic. by throwing it into the pond.

**Delicate Flower:** ok mood tho

**feels-ix** : he comes back to where we're all hanging out, soaking wet, holding the lance, and he throws it on the ground so hard it bounces and nearly knocks Ashe in the head and Syl just screams "THE FUCKER FLOATS" and stomps off.

**UwU *shoots u*** : literally the scariest thing thats ever happened to me dkjjfdhjh

**SniperWriter** : goddess sylain youre a mood

**Emperor Thotticus** : Syl can i interest you in a position?

**The Fucker Floats** : Edelgard haven't you had enough world domination by now?

**die-mitri** : MOM SAID ITS MY TURN ON THE WORLD DOMINATION!

**GoldenDad** : theres only one World Domination and Rhea said we had to share

**Emperor Thotticus** : remember, no world domination until you finish your chores

**OnlyChildYet2ndFavorite** : cease or I'm gonna make this worse for all of us.

**GoldenDad** : hmmmmmm i'm sickened, yet curious

**die-mitri** : there's literally nothing you could do to make me more depressed

**OnlyChildYet2ndFavorite** : dont tempt me

**Motorcycle** : if this is going where I think it is.... please????

**die-mitri** :... ........... Byweth I take it back pwease dooonnnont im sowwy UwU im innocent bby dont bwing fowth hellfiwe on this chat i'll cwy ;_;

**GoldenDad** : they're looking for any reason to unleash him on us, I knew this would happen from the start. you're too late dimitri, even the power of how baby you are in this lifetime can't save us now

**Emperor Thotticus:** HAVE MERCY BYLETH PLEASE

**OnlyChildYet2ndFavorite** : TOO LAAAAAATE HERE HE COOOOMES

**OnlyChildYet2ndFavorite added BylethsBoyfriend to the chat**

**Motorcycle** : yay!!!!!! YOU CAN'T AVOID ME ANYMORE F U C K E R

**die-mitri** : NOOOOO

**Kneecap thief:** F I N A L L Y, YOU'VE RETURNED, OUR BATTLE WILL BE LEGENDARY!!!!!!!!!!! SAY GOODBYE TO YOUR KNEECAPS ASSHOLE

**BylethsBoyfriend** : please Lysithea i didn't even DO anything yet

**OnlyChildYet2ndFavorite** : YET?

**BylethsBoyfriend** : what? im keeping my options open :)

**BylethsBoyfriend** : also Mercie why is your name motocrycle... did you take my motorcycle again?

**Motorcycle** : ... maaaaybe but i didn't even crash this time!

**The Fucker Floats:** i made sure she wore like every piece of protective gear we had n we just went to mcdonalds

**Motorcycle** : oh hes not worried about me trust me

**BylethsBoyfriend** : all the kneepads in the world wont save you if you crash my fucking motorcycle again and that applies to EVERYONE

**OnlyChildYet2ndFavorite** : pwomise ;)????

**BylethsBoyfriend** : honey I love you, don't crash my bike.

**OnlyChildYet2ndFavorite** : but bby ur so hot when ur angry uwu. lets say i hypothetically DID crash the bike, what would u do??????

**GoldenDad** : THERE IS A LITERAL BABY IN CHAT PLEASE STOP

**Kneecap Thief** : I'm letting it slide this time cause they need to be shamed

**The Favorite:** THIS IS WHY IM THE FAVORITE BYLETH. YOURE A DISAPPOINTMENT! A KINKY DISAPPOINTMENT!!! WHAT WOULD DAD THINK

**OnlyChildYet2ndFavorite** : OHHHH NO LEONIE YOU FORGET I KNOW AAALLLL YOUR SECRETS. ALSO WHEN I BROUGHT HIM HOME FOR THE FIRST TIME DAD GAVE ME A HIGH FIVE AND SAID "GET THAT CRAZY DICK KIDDO! DAMN RIGHT!"

**The Fucker Floats** : sjkjgfdsdfghjhfds what?????SECRETS????

**OnlyChildYet2ndFavorite** : LEONIE

**OnlyChildYet2ndFavorite** : HAS

**The Favorite:** BYLETH STOP IM SORRY

**OnlyChildYet2ndFavorite** : A

**GoldenDad** : yes????

**OnlyChildYet2ndFavorite** : CRUSH

**The Favorite:** STOOOOP

**GoldenDad** : YESSSSSS?????????

**OnlyChildYet2ndFavorite** : ON

**The Favorite** : PLEASE I'LL CLEAN YOUR ROOM

**OnlyChildYet2ndFavorite** : ...........................................

**The Favorite:** ILL BAKE YOU COOKIES ANY KIND YOU WANT

**OnlyChildYet2ndFavorite** :................................someone ;P

**FerdieBirdie** : awwwwwww >~<

**GoldenDad** : WEAK

**OnlyChildYet2ndFavorite** : I'm expecting a batch of snickerdoodles at my door in 12 hours or less, get on it.

**The Favorite:** THANK YOUUUUUU

**The Fucker Floats:** COME ON BYLETH YOU TEASE

**BylethsBoyfriend** : welcome to my world enjoy your fucking stay

  
  



	2. Two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It’s getting real deep real fast and I’m not sorry

Claude: GoldenDad

Hilda: Delicate Flower

Ignatz: Ignites

Raphael: Lunchman

Marianne: Disney Princess

Lorenz: Lemon Helmet

Leonie: The Favorite

Lysithea: Kneecap Thief

Dimitri: die-mitri

Sylvain: The Fucker Floats

Ingrid: big oof

Felix: feels-ix

Dedue: Trumpet Noises

Annete: Weedys

Ashe: UwU *shoots u*

Mercedes: Motorcycle

Edelgard: Emperor Thotticus

Hubert: Emo Shit

Ferdinand: FerdieBirdie

Bernadetta: SniperWriter

Dorothea: Edelgard's bitch

Petra: Pet rock

Caspar: The Strong One

Lindhart: The Smart One

Byleth: OnlyChildyet2ndfavorite

  
  


Notes: So this got too real too fast and no i'm not sorry. This is actually the centerpoint for an entire AU so. I'm kind of just using this as my worldbuilding dump tbh. Get ready to read through several pages of character developments.

**FEAR THE DEER GROUPCHAT (SUPER-ULTRA-SECRET)**

**GoldenDad: @everyone** DEER, ASSEMBLE

**Delicate Flower:** present!

**Ignites:** here!

**Lunchman:** ready for orders sir!

**Disney Princess:** i'm here...

**Kneecap Thief:** ready as always!

**The Favorite:** what do you want

**Lemon Helmet:** I suppose I'll participate in whatever inanity you've cooked up this time.

**GoldenDad:** alright,for once no one has their phone off, good.

**GoldenDad:** I've called this meeting to discuss the events in main chat yesterday. Leonie I know youre still mad at me but by now you should know I wasn't actually goading Teach on. that's just what I wanted tweedle dee and tweedle dum and their little squads to think.

**The Favorite:** k

**GoldenDad:** the point stands that anyone--including us--could give out harmful information to the entire class with just a few clicks, so now is time for damage control.

**Delicate Flower:** you aren't actually suggesting we go around telling all our secrets to each other right???

**Ignites:** it does seem that way...

**GoldenDad:** well kinda? I'm not saying we need to spill our guts, but if there's anything that a non-deer knows about you that could be used against you? nows the time to air the dirty laundry so it can be handled. like Leonie. I love Teach but that whole sort-of-sibling rivalry you two have going could get ugly fast.

**The Favorite:** if you think im admitting a crush in a group chat you're fucking ridiculous.

**GoldenDad:** then dm me. unless I'm the one you like, which i'll have to assume if youre too chicken shit to dm me it.

**The Favorite:** ugh fine! I'm dm'ing a set of emojis without context, I'm expecting no screenshots and no mention of it ever again. delete the message as soon as you interpret it.

**Lunchman:** Why are you so paranoid Leonie? it's a crush, not the nuclear codes

**Delicate Flower:** well theres a million reasons someone might be nervous about it Raph! maybe its an unexpecgted choice for her, maybe the person is already in a monogamous relationship, or she's got some internalized shit to work out! hell, maybe they're ugly!

**GoldenDad** :....

**The Favorite** : well? do you get it?

**GoldenDad:** ... i'm wondering how Byleth knew about this before I did, for one thing.

**The Favorite:** ...we live...... in the same house..... I've lived with them since I was like 9 years old..... I re-met you seven months ago...

**GoldenDad:** that explains nothing! whyd you tell them first?

**The Favorite:** I DIDNT! they figured it out like the mind reader they are.... and they kind of found my diary and read it and took pictures of particularly damning entries cause I was giving them shit about their boyfriend.

**Kneecap Thief:** good job dumbass! this is why we have a class code!

**The Favorite:** you think i have the patience to translate my damn diary entires???????

**Ignites:** well why not just translate the name????

**GoldenDad:** well to be fair, Leonie hasn't been known to think things through... lmao yikes

**The Favorite:** what about that is yikes???

**GoldenDad:** anyway I think we should just uhh... table this meeting k? good talk yall.

**Delicate Flower:** huh that was weird.

\--

**Keepers of the Dumbasses**

**Delicate Flower:** guys I think we have a probem

**Trumpet Noises:** is everything alright Hilda?

**Emo Shit:** its 2 am

**Delicate Flower:** I know and I'm sorry but the weirdest thing just happened in the GD chat!

**Delicate Flower:** keepers vow of silence?

**Trumpet Noises:** nothing leaves the chat

**Emo Shit:** full secrecy on penalty of death.

**Delicate Flower:** screenshot.png

**Emo Shit:** hm. interesting.

**Trumpet Noises:** Your chat meetings often go much longer, why did Claude cancel it so suddenly?

**Delicate Flower:** exactly, I don't know! and he turned his phone off right after that, nothing's going through. what do you think Leonie sent him to upset him that bad?

**Emo Shit:** if its about crushes have you considered that he and Leonie might be interested in the same target?

**Delicate Flower:** ok and? firstly the only upsetting thing about that is as his designated "will marry for tax benefits and adopt 25 dogs and fuck on the side" bestie, I should know if he's crushing on anyone. I'm practically his wife. Secondly GD is already a polycule basically. me n claude, me n marianne, Lysithea is hardcore crushing on us both but we're not gonna force her to say anything, and she's totally into Ignatz too and he's with Raphael but I heard them talking about her too.

**Emo Shit:** but where does Leonie fit into that? and who is it that she likes?

**Trumpet Noises:** I believe the openness of feeling in the group may be working against you, it may seem intimidating to someone not yet involved, or maybe Claude was already apprehensive about adding anyone new?

**Emo Shit:** maybe they're crushing on Lorenz or something. that'd give anyone a panic attack.

  
  
  



	3. Three

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So Im writing this when I'm at like ch.7. and I'm realizing that I never actually resolved the first scene of this chapter. Am I going to? Nah. Did Ingrid get her socks back? Probably. Am I gonna put any more thought into it? Probably not.

Claude: GoldenDad

Hilda: Delicate Flower

Ignatz: Ignites

Raphael: Lunchman

Marianne: Disney Princess

Lorenz: Lemon Helmet

Leonie: The Favorite

Lysithea: Kneecap Thief

Dimitri: die-mitri

Sylvain: The Fucker Floats

Ingrid: big oof

Felix: feels-ix

Dedue: Trumpet Noises

Annete: Weedys

Ashe: UwU *shoots u*

Mercedes: Motorcycle

Edelgard: Emperor Thotticus

Hubert: Emo Shit

Ferdinand: FerdieBirdie

Bernadetta: SniperWriter

Dorothea: Edelgard's bitch

Petra: Pet rock

Caspar: The Strong One

Lindhart: The Smart One

Byleth: OnlyChildyet2ndfavorite

  
  


—

**class of chaos**

**big oof:** can someone please explain why one of each of my pairs of socks is missing

**Trumpet Noises:** i did not do that but it might be my fault regardless.

**big oof:** how???

**Emperor Thotticus:** probably that groupchat he has with Petra and Claude. he probably made some offhand comment and they went apeshit as per usual

**Pet rock:** fortunately this is not of the case! all that we have sent this week is memes!

**GoldenDad:** come on guys, stealing socks, a lil elementary for me don't you think?

**Trumpet Noises:** I thought this might be from the situation two weeks ago

**GoldenDad:** nope, I did prank her, but if she hasn't stumbled on it yet I mean...

**big oof:** well if it wasn't any of you--and Claude i already apologized for that--then who?

**Delicate Flower:** if it helps (probably not buuut) Sylvain was in charge of dorm laundry this week, him n Bernie.

**Emperor Thotticus:** hm, a cross house issue.

**GoldenDad:** I can talk to them for you, keep it neutral since I'm not in charge of either of them. plus I know you n Hubert were going out for lunch today and I dont wanna take Dimitri away from that event speaker thing he's at

**Emperor Thotticus:** that would be lovely, you're a saint hun

**Pet Rock:** I am loving the.... relaxed? aura you all have! I much prefer us all to be friends!

**big oof:** yeah, even if our lives are unfortunately replicating past events, now having knowledge of the consequences makes it easier. Not perfect, but easier. Especially in times like these I find myself wondering if it would have been better to not gain back my memories, but it's a little late for that.

**Edelgard's Bitch:** now Ingrid don't get so down on yourself! its only natural to have conflicting thoughts right now, goddess knows the rest of us aren't faring perfectly. Dimitri still can't look Edie in the eye even though they were best friends before our memories started coming back.

**Delicate Flower:** hey take it from someone with a lot more in common with u than I let on, this isn't an easy transition to make, especially having to balance two sets of memories! it was definitely a weird morning to wake up to my older brother trying to break down my bedroom door screaming that I was sleeping with the enemy!

**Trumpet noises** : that sounds terrible

**Delicate Flower:** it was! especially since I hadn't actually slept with him yet! not only was i a traitor, I was a traitor with no game!!!!

**GoldenDad:** yeah but we fixed that up quick didn't we?

**Emperor Thotticus:** why does everyone insist on doing this in the group chat???

**GoldenDad:** I didn't even say anything bad! are you jealous or something, and if so, of who???

**Delicate Flower:** sjkjhsdfghjkytrfghg

**Emperor Thotticus:** i mean, not really, you both are really gorgeous, but not my type.

**big oof** : homestly? not to be weird but as a whole, this crew is quite attractive.

**GoldenDad:** yeah, especially since Lorenz learned his lesson from last time round and kept his hair long from the start, there's not an ugly one out of us!

**Lemon Helmet:** fuck you

**GoldenDad:** i give you a compliment and this is the thnks i get? allow me to be more direct: your hair looks great long, its soft and silky and you obviously spend a ridiculous amount of time and money on the upkeep like holy fuck. cut it and i'll cry.

**Lemon Helmet:** then change my chat name back

**GoldenDad:** nah, I deeply enjoy pictures of cats with hollowed out fruits on their heads and I like being reminded of that on the rare occasions you talk in chat.

**FerdieBirdie:** those pictures are pretty funny

**Lemon Helmet:** since when were you in this conversation?

**FerdieBirdie:** oh like you weren't lurking the whole time too!

\--

**Pretty Boy Swag(tm) chat**

**The Fucker Floats:** HOLY FUCK DID HE JUST SAY THAT IN MAIN CHAT IM

**FerdieBirdie:** I KNOW IM QUAKING

**The Fucker Floats:** sdfghjkjhgfdfdgfhgjyuyrgdfvcbvngjthg

**Lemon Helmet:** what??????

**FerdieBirdie:** I'm sory did you or did you not just watch with yourown two eyes Claude talking about how pretty and soft your hair is im literally going to PERISH

**Lemon Helmet:** what??? no! that was TEASING

**The Fucker Floats:** FLIRTY teasing!!!! he said it TWICE

**FerdieBirdie:** if anyone was going to be able to recognize it, it'd be Syl!

**The Fucker Floats:** what, do you want me to grill the GD abt it? I'll be subtle, subtle is my middle naaame bb

**Lemon Helmet:** normally I'd be against this but now I want to make you work. go for it.

**FerdieBirdie:** translation: I really wanna know if Claude has said anything to the others about me but i'm Lorenz and I can't admit to having human emotions

\--

**Keepers of the Dumbasses**

**Delicate Flower:** HUBERT I THOUGHT YOU WERE JOKING

**Emo Shit:** I. W A S.

**Trumpet Noises:** I think you two may be overreacting

**Delicate Flower:** NORMALLY I'D AGREE WITH YOU, CLAUDE IS VERY LIBERAL WITH COMPLIMENTS

**Trumpet Noises:** ...but?

**Emo Shit:** shes been typing for a while

**Delicate Flower:** HE DM'D ME RIGHT BEFORE SENDING THE SECOND MESSAGE HE WAS LIKE "hey should i do something rly stupid?" and I was like "why bother asking you already know the answer ;*" and he was like "r u sure we should probs acually talk abt this tbh" and i was like "dude just go for it you dumbfuck i'm not your mom I don't control u, n everyone knows the situation w/ us plz I hate seeing you nervous its weird" cause like i was so curious to figure outwho he l i k e d aND THEN IMMEDIATELY AFTERWARDS HE DMS ME "haha lmao imma go jump headfirst into the pond whyd you let me do tht" AND NOW HES NOT TEXTING ME BACK???/!!!?!??!!!!

**Trumpet Noises:** hm. I stand corrected. Good prediction Hubert!

**Emo Shit:** shittiest superpower ever, I can predict who likes who but only if i'm not actually trying -_-

**Delicate Flower:** WAIT THAT MEANS LEONIE HAS A CRUSH ON LORENZ IM??????

**Delicate Flower:** oshit Sylvain's dming me gimme a sec boys

\--

**Direct Message The Fucker Floats > Delicate Flower**

**The Fucker Floats:** hey this is kinda sudden but like did you notice Claude was acting kinda weird in chat just now? im probs reading into it too much but like. hm?

**Delicate Flower:** hm indeed, well everything has a price~

**The Fucker Floats:** name it

**Delicate Flower:** can you ask around to see if Felix knows anything about what's been going on with Leonie? that episode the other day has left me with a few questions, and I know he's her closest friend outside GD.

**The Fucker Floats:** easy, I'll have screenshots to you by midnight.

**Delicate Flower:** thx! youre not the only one asking sweetie my sidechats are EXPLODING, but yeah that was weird. i'm not gonna divulge the whole thing cause I got my eyes on a full ass conspiracy rn, but I'll give you this to take back to your little boys club (don't say they didn't send you I know they did hun) you can screenshot the next message and nothing more, this is all i can safely give you right now. the situation is bigger than him.

**Delicate Flower:** Claude dm'd me about the long second message before he sent it out, asking if he should "do something stupid" to which I said "of course" cause like, its us, when am i not encouraging him to do stupid things? I was a little concerned cause like since when does he need to ask permission to send messages to the group chat, or any chat really! I don't own him. But lowkey he was probs just nervous cause Lorenz might misread his tone as being poking fun when it isn't. of course that's just my interpretation of it, he turned his phone off after the last message he sent so I haven't been able to grill him.

**The Fucker Floats:** ooh spicy, it's a pleasure doing business as always darling <3

**Delicate Flower: <3**

  
  
  



	4. Four

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Oh crap here we go

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So we're nearing the end of the Leonie Bullshit, I'm sory about how long this took. Except I'm really not, I'm really into the characterization I'm giving Byleth in this AU, having to deal with the memories and the current problems and having it all manifest with micromanaging their emotions to constantly prove that they're not going numb again....... literary genius.

**Workout Buddies!**

**feels-ix:** hey Leonie u good? you havent been onlime since Byleth almost destroyed you

**The Strong One:** yeah what was up with that anyway? I didn't take Byleth for the vindictive type but then again they are dating the "one man deathmarch" himself.

**The Favorite:** yeh I'm fine I guess but like I just feel like i'm walking on eggshells you know??

**Lunchman:** you know you can talk to us right?

**feels-ix:** i know this is ironic coming from me but you'll probably feel better if you talk about it.

**The Favorite:** Byleth and I were never exactly... close? I think they started to get memories back before I did, probably around the time they came out so like 6-7th grade? which was three years before I got anything. And I think that they sort of stopped trusting me or something?

**The Favorite:** like we all joke about our previous incarnations a lot but the happenstance of me getting adopted by the Eisners... I'm even closer to them than last time, and our relationship was already pretty strained back then. I don't like coming on the chat anymore cause even looking at our names squicks me out now. cause yeah, it's a funny joke, haha adopted siblings with a competitive streak but... I think its gone a little too far but neither of us know how to stop it. fuck I don't even know if they want to stop. they're probably itching for a reason to air my dirty laundry.

**feels-ix:** not trying to invalidate your feelings or anything but, I can't see Byleth holding a grudge that hard. are you sure they relize how affected you are? they never were good at the whole emotional regulation thing, it might not be intentional that they're coming on so strong with the teasing.

**The Favorite:** I've considered that, yeah, but... they took pictures of my diary! and yeah, I was a shithead when they got back in touch with Jeritza! said some pretty mean shit but like fuck its JERITZA. I watched him nearly slaughter Ignatz once! If it bugged them they could have just told me to back off, and I would have! but instead they snuck into my room and went through my stuff!

**The Favorite:** and I NWVER said anything in front of anyone else about it. that was in our house in our rooms.noteven DAD knows about this. They just went "hey I know you have more memories than some of the others and I could tell them all about it" IN CHAT

**The Strong One:** more memories? I thought this was about a crush?

**The Favorite:** it is! from what I've heard asking around most of us only have memories before and up to our time at the academy. a few people remember into the war, Byleth, Claude, Dimitri.... I remember a lot more. I mean A LOT more. I remember the name of my firstborn son who died when he was two. it was Henri. his little brother was named Howie. Howie Jeralt. he had my eye color and his dad's hair. And I remember who I married. the person I married has not gained those memories and even if he did I have no idea if he would want to try dating me again! its terrifying, especially with how politically different things are now.

**Lunchman:** what do ya mean politically?like nobility stuff?

**The Favorite:** yes and no. I mean... Raph, youre in GD too, you see the tangled mess its become! And so has Byleth. If they thought what I wrote wasn't going to cause harm, they wouldn't be blackmailing me with it! I know things, things that my... previous husband told me in confidence. And the situation has changed, dramatically so. He doesn't have to settle for me anymore. And yesterday proved it. I was ghosting main chat. I saw what happened.

**Lunchman:** yesterday? the only thing that happened yestersay...

**Lunchman:** ... hell of a time for a memory surge holy fuck. your guys's wedding was SICK!

**feels-ix:** if I'm reading this correctly... yesterday the only notable golden deer related incident was Claude complimenting Lorenz. The guy you're in love with "doesn't have to settle for you" (bullshit by the way- you're a fucking catch and if I wasn't with Dimi I'd wife you immediately) which means he was also in love with someone else. no one else remembers post-war events, you're scared of disrupting the current Golden Deer situation, which you precieve to be messy, but happy, as your group is thriving in a more sexually accepting political climate.

**feels-ix:** you married Lorenz, you're still in love with him, he was in love with Claude during our academy days but never acted on those feelings for several obvious reasons, and he presumably doesn't remember falling in love with you during/after the war. You journalled about your feelings with the intent to let the past go and move forward, letting the future happen as it will, whether or not Lorenz falls in love with you or Claude or neither of you. Byleth found said journal after you pissed them off and is now holding this over your head for some godawful reason.

**The Strong One:** and of course everyone feels differently about the whole past lives thing, a lot of us are trying to avoid doing things just because our past selves did and if Byleth went and poured your heart out to the world, it would likely scare the living shit out of Lorenz. He's one of the ones trying to distance himself from his past, so if he knew you got married, he'd likely ghost you for the rest of time.

**Lunchman:** yikes. thats a big fucking yikes. I was gonna ask why you were so nervous about it since everyone in GD is taking a pretty loose take on relationships atm, but yeah now that i'm thinking about it, that WOULD scare him. plus Lorenz's never really talked about what he wants out of a relationship this lifetime. He doesn't need to marry for status and he's pretty intent on doing whatever he wants. :/

**The Strong One:** ya know, this doesn't feel like Byleth to me. this feels weird. why'd they do this at all? someone should talk to them.

**The Favorite:** yeah but who?

**feels-ix:** ... gimme five

\--

**Direct message feels-ix > motorcycle**

**feels-ix:** hey I need you to do something fir me and don't ask too many questions.

**motorcycle:** why?

**feels-ix:** lets just say the well being and happiness of a student or five at this school depending on gettin your brother to grill Byleth and report back to us. he's the only one who can get them to talk without risking some delicate social stuff, a whole friendgroup is on the verge of imploding rn and we need to know why it got this bad.

**motorcycle:** this is about Leonie isn't it.

**feels-ix:** yes. now get me the info I'll do anything you want!

**motorcycle:** no price today, I'm concerned too.

\--

**Direct message motorcycle > ByethsBoyfriend**

**motorcycle:** is everything ok with By right now? they haven't been online since that disaster on the first day and people in the satellite chats are getting worried.

**motorcycle:** I know your phone is on I'm upstairs in the drawing room watching you through the window and I just saw you check it now answer me

**motorcycle:** DONT FLIP ME OFF FUCKER THIS IS ACTUALLY REALLY IMPORTANT OKAY

**BylethsBoyfriend:** none of this could have waited until I finished my set?

**motorcycle:** nope. now tell me why Byleth is intentionally sabotaging their own adoptive sister's interpersonal relationships.

**BylethsBoyfriend:** how would I know?

**motorcycle:** you haven;t noticed a single thing weird about them?

**BylethsBoyfriend:** Mercie, its not like we're reincarnated soul mates, I barely knew Byleth back then, I have no idea if this is odd behavior for them! I have no idea what their relationship with Leonie was like before this. All I know about Byleth's past is that they confessed to me via a huge dump of 3 am texts talking about how they were in love with me the whole time and having to kill me literally broke them even worse than losing their dad did. they have a lot more past memories than they let on but thats it.

**motorcycle:** well according to Felix, so does Leonie. she remembers who she married, and she's still in love with whoever it is and Byleth is quite literally blackmailing her with it. what happened in main chat wasn't cute sibling banter, Byleth is actively fucking with Leonie and no one knows why! And Sylvain told me that he was tasked with getting info about Claude from Hilda, by Ferdie and Lorenz! and Hilda tasked Sylvain with getting info about Leonie from Felix and apparently this mess has the potential to splinter all of the Golden Deer!

**Motorcycle:** And as the guy who tried to fuck Byleth in the bathroom during a family dinner YOU DEAL WITH IT OR IM TELLING MOM ABOUT THAT

**BylethsBoyfriend:** fine I'll text them! shit!

\--

**Direct Message BylethsBoyfriend > OnlyChildyet2ndfavorite**

**BylethsBoyfriend:** I've been tasked with prompting you to face the consequenses for your actions

**OnlyChildyet2ndfavorite:** what?

**BylethsBoyfriend:** welll...

**BylethsBoyfriend:** Mercedes says that Felix said that Leonie had a breakdown in a satellite chat over remembering who she married in the previous incarnation and you blackmailing her over it. Felix also said Sylvain was prompted into an information exchange with Hilda where Hilda gave info about Claude in favor of Sylvain interrogating Felix about Leonie, I don't know why Sylvain needed info on Claude or what Hilda's doing regarding Leonie. Apparently all of Golden Deer is on the verge of imploding because you decided to be a vindictive hobag to your adoptive sister who by the way never did shit to you this lifetime. WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON????? 

**OnlyChildyet2ndfavorite:** ... shit

**BylethsBoyfriend:** couldn't have said it any better myelf sweetheart. Now, out with it so I can screenshot it and send it to Mercie so she can send it to Felix who can post it in the jock chat for Leonie to see because you're never going to actually talk to her like an adult.

**OnlyChildyet2ndfavorite:** ... the first memory I got of my previous life was Leonie verbally curb stomping me after dad died. This was around the time she added cheerleading to her already bloated resume of modelling, dance, debate team, cello, piano, soccer, gymnastics, track, and fencing, and this turned out to be the one place I couldn't follow her because I "lack pep". its not that I can't do the routines, I can, I've been in dance and gymnastics since I could walk. but I don't... do cheer.

**BylethsBoyfriend:** yes you notorous emo, go on

**OnlyChildyet2ndfavorite:** so I instead started taking more ap classes and dug hard into student government and became vice president and kept persuing academic stuff. I still did fencing, gymnastics, and track, but dropped soccer after she got on varsity and I didn't, stopped doing ballet after ten years cause I was struggling taking three ap classes and learning Almyran since we needed a foreign language credit for college, and something had to give. in senior year I did running start at the college and barely even saw her. and then I ran into Seteth there, and now all this is happening.

**OnlyChildyet2ndfavorite:** the chat names aren't a joke, I've been growing apart from dad ever since we all started getting memories back. it was hard enough on her to lose her actual parents and then remember losing dad and both my parents are alive this time even if mom's sick so I just let her have the spotlight for a while cause at the time it felt like the right thing to do but now every time I walk through our house its just all Leonie! Leonie's gymnastics trophy on the mantle next to her cheer trophy and in the hall, the photo of the squad when she was captain! what about my essay, the one that one a national contest and earned me a 500$ scholarship? They took it down to frame her senior photo instead of buying a picture frame. It's all Leonie all the time and maybe she ought to remember what losing is like! seeing as during my first lifetime I only cried three times, and two of them were watching the two men i loved most DIE IN MY ARMS, ONE BY MY OWN HAND REMEMBER??? I HAD TO K I L L Y O U???? and the third time? was her BLAMING ME FOR DAD'S DEATH! AND THATS THE FIRST MEMORY I GOT BACK? COULD YOU IMAGINE? WHAT IF YOUR FIRST MEMORY WAS MERCEDES SCREAMING ABOUT HOW YOURE A FAILURE AND SHE HATES YOU????

**BylethsBoyfriend:** By, hun, i think you might need to calm down

**OnlyChildyet2ndfavorite:** WHY SHOULD I CALM DOWN WHAT RIGHT DID SHE HAVE TO DO THAT? HOW CAN EVERYONE JUST FORGIVE EVERYONE ELSE I SPENT A WHOLE LIFETIME NUMB AND PASSIVE LOSING EVERYONE I CARED ABOUT AND I REFUSE TO DO IT AGAIN I CANT BE NUMB ANYMORE I JUST CANT I HAVE TO FEEL SOMETHING EVEN IF ITS JUST ANGER AT LEAST I FEEL SOMETHING

**BylethsBoyfriend:** YOU KNOW WHAT FU K IT WE'RE GONNA RIP THIS OFF LIKE A BANDAID

\--

**class of chaos**

**BylethsBoyfriend:** **@everyone** SO. BYLETH IS HAVING A MENTAL BREAKDOWN AND I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO OTHER THAN TELL EVERYONE WHATS GOING ON SO WE CAN STOP HIDING IN DMS AND TALK LIKE ACTUAL FUCKING ADULTS

**BylethsBoyfriend:** lets start easy: Hilda's running an information network or something, selling secrets for secrets, gd group chat is not safe, everyone knows yalls business.

**BylethsBoyfriend:** Leonie has more memories than everyone else and remembers most of her post-war life including who she married, she's still in love with this person and Byleth, feeling like they are losing control of their life due to Leonie outpacing them in sports and gaining more recognition from their parents, is holding this marriage thing over Leonie's head as a way to feel like they have some sort of control over the situation, as well as revenge for managing to make them cry.

**BylethsBoyfriend:** Byleth's first ever retained memory was Leonie--and i quote--"verbally curbstomping" them and blaming them for Jeralts death. this is reportedly the only thing that ever made Byleth cry other than myself or Jeralt dying and has defined their relationship ever since. and then Leonie got really good at things Byleth couldn't do, and something about a picture frame and an essay and ??? Tl:Dr By feels unnapriciated and teenager problems +traumatic past life memories don't mix well, esp since it was By's own core support system working against them. plus Byleth is incredibly scared of becoming emotionally numb so they're cranking all of their emotions up to 11 just to prove they still can.

**BylethsBoyfriend:** SOMEHOW this situation involved Sylvain needing info about Claude and Hilda needing info about Leonie and apparently all of Golden Deer is about to fall apart because only one person actually remembers what happened after the war! which... its all public historical knowledge so theoretically EVERYONE should know regardless of retained memories but then again I also don't recall who married who so... lets call it a failure of the school system and move on.

**The Smart One** : ... so this is what Caspar was panicking about.

**Ignites:** yeah I have literally no idea where to start unpacking this.

**FerdieBirdie** : I can clear up one thing, Sylvain was asked to talk to Hilda about Claude because we were confused over his actions the other day in chat, with the hair business. Tone can be difficult to read over text and we simply wanted a secondary opinion on the matter. I said there was nothing to worry about, Claude clearly wasn't acting malicously, but you know how paranoid people can be.

**Delicate Flower:** I asked Sylvain to ask Felix about Leonie cause I was worried about her but didn't think she'd wanna talk to me, I had a loose theory on what was bugging her and under that pretense I'd be one of the last people she'd wanna talk to. So as long as Sylvain was offering mutual favors I figured I'd try at least. All I got out of him was that it was a memories issue and Leonie was worried due to not everyone in the group feeling the same way about the past lives deal. I could post a screenshot if you want.

**GoldenDad:** I know why! not gonna say it tho. cause i promised I wouldn't. This new info explains A Lot though. unlike everyone else I would rather just intice reaction rather than scrounge, which I'm sure you've noticed accounts for me. @TheFavorite r u good?

**TheFavorite:** doing a lil better, I'm chilling at Dimitri and Felix's house atm, don't rly wanna go home and face the dissipointed dad lecture.

**Kneecap Thief:** yeah just did some basic fucking research, I can't believe none of us thought to google ourselves and look at out bio section on wikipedia (I mean I did mine ages ago but I never looked at anybody else) and uh. this is a mess!

**Disney Princess:** honestly I always avoided what I didn't need to know for school cause it felt like an invasion of privacy...but yeah maybe we should have

**die-mitri:** we should suck it up and address it, sooner or later we're all going to get more memories back so why don't we all just read our biographies and personally address who is directly affected by the information. So basically Golden Deer, take it to your house chat and scream at each other until you all reach some absurd compromise. the rest of us can probably settle things in dms.

**GoldenDad:** you know, just because you're right, doesn't mean you have to say it. I do happen to have an absurd compromise to propose tho.

\--

**FEAR THE DEER GROUPCHAT (SUPER-ULTRA-SECRET)**

**GoldenDad:** so. the old Riegan satellite estate the family used to stay in while in the city. it's been more or less abandoned for like a zillion years. and it's for sale. at a somehow reasonable price because no one has touched the place in ages. It's still expensive buuut.... it's got ten bedrooms and we've got seven paychecks between us ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯

  
  
  



	5. Five

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this took so long! Mercury retrograde doesn’t get along with my laptop and I also spent Wednesday to Monday surrounding the 4th of July camping with my family without WiFi! But the planets are no longer screwing with technology, and neither are my parents schedules! So we’re back on track!

Claude: GoldenDad

Hilda: Delicate Flower

Ignatz: Ignites

Raphael: Lunchman

Marianne: Disney Princess

Lorenz: Lemon Helmet

Leonie: The Favorite

Lysithea: Kneecap Thief

Dimitri: die-mitri

Sylvain: The Fucker Floats

Ingrid: big oof

Felix: feels-ix

Dedue: Trumpet Noises

Annete: Weedys

Ashe: UwU *shoots u*

Mercedes: Motorcycle

Edelgard: Emperor Thotticus

Hubert: Emo Shit

Ferdinand: FerdieBirdie

Bernadetta: SniperWriter

Dorothea: Edelgard's bitch

Petra: Pet rock

Caspar: The Strong One

Lindhart: The Smart One

Byleth: OnlyChildyet2ndfavorite

  
  


**FEAR THE DEER GROUPCHAT (SUPER-ULTRA-SECRET)**

**Kneecap Thief:** are... are you actually suggesting we solve this problem by MOVING INTO YOUR DUSTY ASS TOWN HOUSE TOGETHER?

**GoldenDad:** I mean I was looking at it a while ago and I was planning on bringing it up anyway and honestly I have nothing better to suggest. I mean it's untouched from the era we lived in, it changed hands dozens of times and no one bothered ever updating it. we'd need to put electricity in it and probably replace some decayed stuff but. They built it to last! And as it sits right now I know a few things:

**GoldenDad:** 1\. Leonie needs to get out of the Eisner house. you're 18, you have a job, and right now staying there isn't doing you any favors.

**TheFavorite:** fair.

**GoldenDad** : 2. as it sits right now with how everyone is situated, it makes sense to stay generally together. otherwise we'll each be overpaying for big houses with more bedrooms than are being used at any given time with how much people are going to be switching between houses. this was we have 1 house payment, one building to heat and pay utilities on, and it's close to everything.

**Kneecap Thief:** finanically responsible I will admit.

**GoldenDad:** and... 3. I just really like the idea of all of us living together cause i luv u all so much <3

**Delicate Flower:** there it is! ya big softy. love u too.

\--

**Depressed Cat Chat (get it... cause blue??? sad???)**

**The Fucker Floats:** so I know this isn't what we're supposed to be talking abt but what do yall think Claude's absurd compromise is?

**UwU *shoots u*:** well I saw the other day that the old Riegan place in the city is up for sale, no one's lived there in forever. maybe they're all just gonna move in together and become the city's Gay Mansion Cryptids?

**Trumpet Noises:** now that you said it, that's what's going to happen. that's how this always works.

**big oof:** I'd suggest we try to snag a mansion and outdo them but that would be a disaster and i'm more than comfortable here in Glenn's apartment thx

**feels-ix:** excuse you the lease is in MY name????

**big oof:** but you dont even live here?

**feels-ix:** Glenn fucked up his credit score a few years ago. plus when i got the place I did live there. but now I don't cause I dont wanna watch you two make out. it's weird.

**die-mitri:** ah yes, that's exactly why, the only reason, guy who is currently using my ass as a pillow.

**Weedys:** sdfghjkjhgfdfghjk

**feels-ix:** you're an unexpected benefit. I moved here cause your mom's cooking is fantastic and it's within walking distance of campus.

**die-mitri:** what???

**Trumpet Noises:** honestlyI can't be mad at that, your mom's cooking is phenomenal.

**die-mitri:** :<

\--

**Direct message die-mitri >GoldenDad**

**die-mitri:** help Dedue and Felix are GANGING UP ON ME

**GoldenDad:** hell froze over?????

**die-mitri:** they're acting like they only hang around my house for my mom's food :(

**GoldenDad:** i mean... it's pretty fuckin good...

**die-mitri:** YOURE NOT HELPING, TELL ME HOW TO MAKE THE GUY I DIDN'T MARRY BUT WANTED TO LAST LIFE AND THE GUY WHO IM DATING THIS LIFE STOP BEING DICKHEADS

**GoldenDad:** listen by the end of the week literally every gd member will be enveloped by the polycule, and i STILL don't know what tf i'm doing. my advice? run. run far way. it's only gonna get worse from here, the ball doesn't stop once it starts, I've seen how Ashe gets around them both. also lowkey I miiiight steal Sylvain from you guys cause like DAMN HES SO CUTE AND STUPID. if black eagles doesn't get him first. Bernie has a HUUUUGE crush on him from last go round. I'm amazed they didn't get married tbh. since he has like 30% the trauma this time I think he'd go for it...

**die-mitri:** AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

\--

**Direct message GoldenDad >The Fucker Floats**

**GoldenDad:** so I kinda just said something stupid off the top of my head to freak Dimitri out, and it worked too well, wanna cause the next massive chat drama?

**The Fucker Floats:** what do I need to do? and what's in it for me?

**GoldenDad:** you don't need to do anything but be yourself ;) and hell or high water, SOMEONE will end up in bed with you. there's a choice from every house... and you just have to sit bck and let me ruffle everyone's feathers

**The Fucker Floats:** terrifying... i'm in.

\--

**FEAR THE DEER GROUPCHAT (SUPER-ULTRA-SECRET)**

**GoldenDad:** GUYS I MAY HAVE JUST STOLEN SYLVAIN FROM BLUE LIONS IM SHJHGFDSDFGHJHGF

**Delicate Flower:** WHY

**GoldenDeer:** I. DON'T. KNOW.

  
  
  



	6. Six

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Claude: GoldenDad  
> Hilda: Delicate Flower  
> Ignatz: Ignites  
> Raphael: Lunchman  
> Marianne: Disney Princess  
> Lorenz: Lemon Helmet  
> Leonie: The Favorite  
> Lysithea: Kneecap Thief  
> Dimitri: die-mitri  
> Sylvain: The Fucker Floats  
> Ingrid: big oof  
> Felix: feels-ix  
> Dedue: Trumpet Noises  
> Annete: Weedys  
> Ashe: UwU *shoots u*  
> Mercedes: Motorcycle  
> Edelgard: Emperor Thotticus  
> Hubert: Emo Shit  
> Ferdinand: FerdieBirdie  
> Bernadetta: SniperWriter  
> Dorothea: Edelgard's bitch  
> Petra: Pet rock  
> Caspar: The Strong One  
> Lindhart: The Smart One  
> Byleth: OnlyChildyet2ndfavorite

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You thought it was over... BUT WAIT, THERE'S MORE. This is like a blast zone in progress, the center is the Golden Deer, the Blue Lions are just now getting hit by the destruction, and the Black Eagles are blissfully unaware of the impending chaos soon to consume them. And I wouldn't have it any other way. Claude is singlehandedly spreading the gospel of non-hierarchal relationships and healthy polyamory, one ship at a time.

**Pretty Boy Swag (tm)**

**Lemon Helmet:** SYLVAIIN YOURE IN DANGER

**The Fucker Floats:** I'm aware

**Lemon Helmet:** ARE YOU? ARE YOU REALLY?

**Lemon Helmet:** screenshot.png

**FerdieBirdie:** guys its midnight what is going on?

**Lemon Helmet:** CLAUDE IS PLOTTING WORLD DOMINATION BY SLOWLY STEALING MEMBERS FROM OTHER HOUSES AND ABSORBING THEM INTO THE GOLDEN DEER MESS AND HE'S STARTING WITH SYLVAIN FOR SOME REASON

**The Fucker Floats:** chill out we're just fuckin with dimitri its gonna be fine!

**Lemon Helmet:** you say that, but are you he hardened man you once were? Can you truly resist all temptation? welcome to hell, there is NO ESCAPE

**FerdieBirdie:** not everyone is the disaster bi you are Lorri

**Lemon Helmet:** no but Sylain ABSOLUTELY is

**The Fucker Floats:** and i said "we know, but hey!"

**Lemon Helmet:** DONT JOHN MULANEY AT ME RIGHT NOW THIS IS SERIOUS

**The Fucker Floats:** is it? is it really?

**Lemon Helmet:** Just whatever you do don't let him convince you to move into the house with us

**FerdieBirdie:** the house??

**Lemon Helmet:** Claude wants everyone to move in to this big old mansion together. it doesn't even have wiring. i'm not sure if the plumbing works. we're going to drop a hundered grand on just fixing it up. its going to suck but i literally cannot say no to him. curse his stupid cute face and genuine love for every living being on this planet hes a ray of sneaky sunshine and hes making me FEEL THINGS

**FerdieBirdie:** BREAKING NEWS! local man loves his boyfriend and is very upset about it

**The Fucker Floats:** wait OMG ASHE TOTALLY PREDICTED IT YOU GUYS ARE GONNA BE THE GAY MANSION CRYPTIDS

**The Fucker Floats:** ... what if i wanna be a gay mansion cryptid too? Ingrid already vetoe'd us copying you guys so we cant... plz adopt me

**FerdieBirdie:** lol

**Lemon Helmet:** you guys don't have the Mansion Vibes. if anything Blue Lions are more like "homeless gang takes over abandoned castle and defends it from all outsiders, living off the land away from society, possibly a cult but sources are unsure" Gay Cryptids

**FerdieBirdie:** and what about BE?

**Lemon Helmet** :... youre going to buy up 4 houses at the end of a dead end street in a shitty suburb with big back yards and start an urban homesteading gay artist colony.

**FerdieBirdie:** . . .... that sounds awesome I am starting a pinterest board IMMEDIATELY

\--

**Sad Gay Birds Chat**

**FerdieBirdie:** lmao my side chat is going nuts

**Emperor Thotticus:** what is it now

**FerdieBirdie:** well Claude is going to fake date Sylvain to freak Dimitri out and Lorenz is totally convinced that this is actually a plot to take over the group by slowly stealing people from the other houses.

**FerdieBerdie:** also Black Eagles gives off Gay Urban Homestead Artist Colony vibes apparently.

**Emperor Thotticus:** hm. indeed funny. but as a precaution

**Emperor Thotticus: @everyone** as a precaution im instituting a rule: no fucking, dating, or instituting deepened relationships of any sort with members of the Golden Deer without prior approval from myself.

**Emperor Thotticus:** alao did you start a pinterest board for that homesteading thing?

**FerdieBirdie** : yeah I can add you to it

**The Strong One:** wasn't planning on fucking a deer but will keep in mind.

**The Smart One:** they're all a lil much for me tbh. hot, but a lil much. one night stands maybe but I don't think I culd fully insert myself into their mess

**Emo Shit:** I'd literally rather die. but also add me to the pinterest board.

**SniperWriter:** I'm woried about Sylvain... but Bernie won't be bought!!!

**Pet Rock:** I have little desire for such passtimes as the Golden Deer partake in! in fact your focus on it confuses me! but i am interested in the concept of introducing some of the sustainable farming techniques of Brigid to our group!

**SniperWriter:** big same on all fronts. yeah sex is great but have you ever ripped out a lawn to plant native wildflowers?

**Edelgards Bitch:** ooh! that sounds like fun! we could make pride flag flower beds!!!!

**Pet Rock:** Dorothea was explaining to me the other day about how in Fodlan the state of not desiring romantic or sexual relationships is still considered rather taboo, and as such those under that definition have been adopted under the same umbrella as other diverse sexualities! I am excited to be included in something of political importance again, I did miss it so!

**SniperWriter:** Oh! thats so cool! I have all the colors to make flag bracelets, do you want one?

**Pet Rock:** That would be most lovely!!!

**Edelgards Bitch:** that was the most blessed thing ive seen all day

**The Strong One:** id lay down my life for you two no lie

**SniperWriter:** please dont

**SniperWriter:** also as long as I've got my bracelet making stuff out, anyone have any requests? they don't have to be flags or anything, I just feel like making stuff

**Edelgards Bitch:** actually the lesbian flag one you made me last year is wearing out, a replacement would be great!

**FerdieBirdie:** it is not for me but the other day Lorenz was complimenting the matching ones you made for me and Hubert, and since he is finally figuring his situation out with Leonie and Claude, maybe a celebratory set is in order?

**SniperWriter:** that would be nice! I'll do three with the same pattern in gradients of their "theme" colors, that's nice and subtle right?

  
  
  



	7. Seven

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Claude: GoldenDad/Bow King  
> Hilda: Delicate Flower  
> Ignatz: Ignites  
> Raphael: Lunchman  
> Marianne: Disney Princess  
> Lorenz: Lemon Helmet  
> Leonie: The Favorite/ Lance Queen  
> Lysithea: Kneecap Thief  
> Dimitri: die-mitri  
> Sylvain: The Fucker Floats  
> Ingrid: big oof  
> Felix: feels-ix  
> Dedue: Trumpet Noises  
> Annete: Weedys  
> Ashe: UwU *shoots u*  
> Mercedes: Motorcycle  
> Edelgard: Emperor Thotticus  
> Hubert: Emo Shit  
> Ferdinand: FerdieBirdie  
> Bernadetta: SniperWriter  
> Dorothea: Edelgard's bitch  
> Petra: Pet rock  
> Caspar: The Strong One  
> Lindhart: The Smart One  
> Byleth: OnlyChildyet2ndfavorite/ Sword Bae

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If anyone cares, the specific headcanons in question for the previous chapter are Petra as aroace and Bernadetta as Demi-biromantic asexual.
> 
> I'd put a full list of all of the full headcanons out but that'd be spoilers for some of the things in this fic and in the others. (also there's at least one character who I... haven't quite nailed down a proper headcanon for???? I can't decide! there's so many specific ways I could take this character and I can't decide on a favorite!!!!!!)

**class of chaos**

**GoldenDad: @SniperWriter** these are so cute!!!! thx so much!!!

**Kneecap Thief:** ???

**The Favorite:** Bernadetta made us bracelets to celebrate us not being idiots for once!

**Lemon Helmet:** img.ping (a picture of their wrists, each one has a chevron patterned woven bracelet in varying shades of purple, orange, and yellow, respectively)

**Kneecap Thief:** oh so THATS where everyone is getting those!

**SniperWriter:** it's something I learned to do after Ferdie, Hubert, and Dorothea independently decided to buy me bulk packages of embroidery thread for my birthday last year, I have more than I could ever need! mostly I started making pride flag ones for the Q&A booth at club fair, but now I kinda just make whatever.

**Emperor Thotticus:** Actually I think we have a few of the flag ones lying around in the ODEI, I'll see what's around when I drop off my reports if anybody wants some. not sure what'll be left, we only had a few basic ones since she was just learning.

**Edelgards Bitch:** I doubt there's any bi ones left cause at the end of club fair Sylvain grabbed all of the ones on the table and wore every single one of them. i think he had like 12.

**feels-ix:** so THATS where he got them! he took three of them, fashioned them into handcuffs, and tied me and dima together at one point. I think theres a video of it somewhere. and then after we took them apart we just kept them cause they were cool.

**The Fucker Floats:** I had to. blue lions more like bi lions! I think it's literally just Ingrid and Dedue who use any other labels right? We're weirdly consistent.

**SniperWriter:** if there's none of a certain flag left that anyone wants, just dm me and I can make one! I'm always happy to! And I'm working on a method of switching colors half way through! so soon I'll be able to put multiple flags on a single bracelet!

**feels-ix:** oh I'm gonna be first in line for that please hook me up IMMEDIATELY I need Sylvain's dad to hate me more

**Emo Shit:** thats the best thing thats ever come out of your mouth and I must commend it.

**GoldenDad:** ooh is that all it takes? I think I'd kill him. Can I come over? I feel like homicide tonight >;)

**The Fucker Floats:** shjkjhgfidfglahjk\

**The Fucker Floats:** sure, miklans home this weekend and he knows how to hide a body and hates dad too so we good

**big oof** : DFGHJKLKJHGFDSTYUJHGFDDFGHJ HE JUSTSENT THAT KEYSMASH, THREW HIS PHONE, THEN SAT FOR A LONG FUCKING TIME, STOOD UP, PICKED THE PHONE UP, AND SENT THE SECOND MESSAGE WITH A DEAD STRAIGHT FACE

**FerdieBirdie:** im DYINGGG

**SniperWriter:** can you stop by my house too and kill my dad?

**GoldenDad:** I would but your dad lives on the other side of the continent and i dont have a car and that'd be the most expensive uber ever.

**FerdieBirdie:** @Emo Shit OwO we shouwd go on a muwdur date n dwink all of Mr. Bernie's Dad's wine and buwy him in the gawden UwU

**Emperor Thotticus:** IN THE SECIOND MURDER OF THE DAY< HUBERT HAS SAT UP,, TURNED HIS PHONE OFF, AND LAID FACE DOWN ON MY BEDROOM FLOOR IM SSOBB ING GGG DFGHJKJHGFDSDFGHKIUYTRDCVBN

  
  


\--

**Pretty Boy Swag (tm) Chat**

**FerdieBirdie:** FUCK FUCK FUCK WHY DID I DO THAAAAAT

**Lemon Helmet:** im going to CRY that was the funniest thing you've ever said

**The Fucker Floats:** i'd love to respond properly but i'm still emotionally compromised from the first fucking thing

**FerdieBirdie:** YOU DONT UNDERSTAND I HAVE NEVERR SAID THE DATE WORD TO HIIIMMMMM

**Lemon Helmet:** HOW HAVE YOU-- NEVER MIND YOURE THE DUMBEST BITCH IN THIS CHAT AND YOURE IN LOVE WITH A REPRESSED AXE MURDERER, OF COURSE YOU HAVEN"T

**FerdieBirdie:** YOURE NOT WRONG BUT ALSO HELP MEEEEEEEEE

**The Fucker Floats:** okokok play it off. the fact that you said it in uwu speak is gonna work in our favor here.

\--

**class of chaos**

**OnlyChildYet2ndFavorite:** obligitory No Murder message. carry on.

**FerdieBirdie:** asdfghjhgfds ok I wasn't actually gonna. do wanna steal some wine tho. be gay do crime >:)

**OnlyChildYet2ndFavorite:** i mean if you do, see if he has any good tea. thry changed my favorite blend and now i'm on the hunt for something good.

**GoldenDad:** oh since ur here ill just take care of this since i actually decided what i wanted to do with it

**GoldenDad changed OnlyChildYet2ndFavorite's name to Sword Bae**

**GoldenDad changed The Favorite's name to Lance Queen**

**Golden dad changed their name to Bow King**

**Bow King:** that's much better!

**BylethsBoyfriend:** im here for it

**Sword Bae:** i mean i guess its better than the other ones. dont like the implication that the gender neutral counterpart to king and queen is bae.

**Emperor Thotticus:** your baefulness

**Lance Queen:** asdfghjjhgfddfghj

**Bow King:** tbh it was more based on how literally everyone was crushing on you back at the academy tbh. including me. sorry.

**Sword Bae:** oh I knew you were, sweetie... when you're into someone, you're not subtle.

**Lemon Helmet:** you're really not...

**Bow King:** :<

**Lemon Helmet:** why are you pouting??? did i say it was bad????? it obviously worked on me! twice!

**Bow King:** twice??????

**FerdieBirdie:** omg you legit did not know?????????

**The Fucker Floats:** you poor idiot

**Lance Queen:** Claude.......... he spent his entire life PINING HOPELESSLY after you, we got married and had kids and were very much in love and he was STILL so obsessed with you! every time you guys had to meet up for work stuff he would talk about it for WEEKS he missed you SO MUCH]

**Bow King:** OOOO

**Delicate Flower:** live commentary, our deer boy is blushing like a tomato, covering his face with his hands, and kicking his feet like an anime girl

**FerdieBirdie:** XDDDDDD

**Bow King:** sdfghjkjhgfdsdfghj IM DYING NO I WAS SITTING THERE LIKE A DUMBASS PINING AFTER YOU TOO IM SO MAD

**Delicate Flower:** AS LONG AS WE'RE DOING THIS I WAS SO UPSET WHEN U LEFT I THINK YOU BROKE THE HEARTS OF AN ENTIRE GENERATION

**Emperor Thotticus:** me stright up letting Byleth kill me: "if we can't keep the only valid man in all Fodlan then whats even the point of being alive. Fodlan can sink into the ocean for all i care"

**Bow King:** YALL WHAT NAH

**The Fucker Floats:** no but srlsy when you almost didn't get to move back out here??????? low key was almost the biggest let down of my life

**Bow King:** oh like i'd ever abandon you no matter how paranoid my mom is!!!

\--

**Depressed Cat Chat (get it... cause blue??? sad???)**

**die-mitri:** Sylvaaiinnnn i see you typing i stg

**The Fucker Floats:** fghjkjhgfdfghjkdfgfdertgfghghjklkjhghjkll

**UwU *shoots u*:** you.... you took two minutes to type a keysmash

**big oof:** he typed about four different things, erased them all, then settled on a keysmash. I wasn't sitting close enough to read what he wrote but one of them was like A PARAGRAPH

**The Fucker Floats:** ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯

**feels-ix:** we are the victims of a grand scheme. I'm just premptively giving up. we're going to end up in a mess. I'm just accepting it at this point. this might as well happen! fuck it! go hog wild my friends! feral gay bastards you are!

**Trumpet Noises:** *finger guns* i hear you loud and clear

**die-mitri:** ... do you guys like. have a 2 person chat I don't know about

**big oof:** 2 person chat........

**Weedys:** sdghjhgfdsdfghjkjhgfds

**die-mitri:** what?

**feels-ix:** Dimitri... i love you.... are you aware of the concept of a dm?

**die-mitri:** ... ok lISTEN

**Weedys:** certified morosexuals in the chat

**die-mitri:** im dumb but at least im loved

  
  



	8. Eight

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> IM SO SORRY my entire life fell apart lol. first my laptop's harddrive basically self destructed (the laptop seems to be working fine but i didn't even try, i grabbed my docs and shoved them in my USB) so any work i'm doing right now is on my mom's computer.  
> and my mom broke her ankle so I've had to take over basically everything right now.  
> But things should be fine! I hope!

**class of chaos**

  
  


**Sword Bae: @everyone** ALRIGHT THE CHAT WENT DEAD FOR THE ENTIRE WEEKEND SO WE'RE DOING A CHAT WIDE ATTENDANCE CHECK. BLUE LIONS SOUND OFF

  
  


**Sword Bae:** I know where Mercie was already cause we went to a street fair w/ my mans

  
  


**Motorcycle:** it was so fun ^-^

  
  


**die-mitri:** i was in a depression hole

  
  


**feels-ix:** i was with him in the depression hole

  
  


**Trumpet Noises:** i was occasionally throwing pringles and oeros into the depression hole

  
  


**big oof:** I was doing all their chores while they were in the depression hole

  
  


**Sword Bae:** valid procedure, carry on

  
  


**Weedys:** Me n Ashe have been camping out in Ignatz's dorm and I literally can't remembr anything that happened but im surrounded by empty pizza boxes...

  
  


**UwU *shoots u*:** yeah this was supposed to be a pre-midtems study party... 

  
  


**Sword Bae:** mood, ive been there too. now  **@The Fucker Floats** I SAID SOUND THE FUCK OFF

  
  


**SniperWriter:** he's with me sorry! his phone's been off cause he's been pretty anxious and we've been having a chill weekend. playing animal crossing, watching some cute anime, the usual. I finally showed him Go Princess Precure and he's OBSESSED.

  
  


**Sword Bae:** Thanks for that hun! is it okay if I stop by later to check up on him? and maybe crash for a few eps cause I live and die for precure legit

  
  


**SniperWriter:** that should be fine!

  
  


**Sword Bae:** cool. BLACK EAGLES SOUND OFF

  
  


**Pet Rock:** I was at Lorenz's party for a bit but the rest of the weekend I was at home!

  
  


**The Strong One:** went to the party then got drunk and spent all of today lying in bed w/ Lin

  
  


**The Smart One:** he managed to make an omlette by hanging off the side of the bed and frying it in a mini skillet on a hot plate we stole from the science building, it was the funnist thing i've ever seen.

  
  


**Sword Bae:** mood

  
  


**FerdieBirdie:** we had a button making party for club stuff!

  
  


**Emo Shit:** I fell asleep on Edelgard's kitchen floor during said button party and woke up at home on the couch to Ferdie screaming at the tv

  
  


**FerdieBirdie:** your bedroom was locked what was i supposed to do? I'm surprised it took that long to wake you up i was binging kitchen nightmares for like 3 hours. 

  
  


**Emperor Thotticus:** after carting Hubert's unconcious body home I pulled into my driveway and was immediately accosted by Hilda, Claude, and Flayn, who wanted me to take them to dennys for some reason. 

  
  


**Bow King:** to be fair, when we got in the uber to go to your house the original plan was just to raid your fridge and cry on your floor cause I was low key having a panic attack and you were the furthest removed from what i was worried abt. but then Flayn kept talking about pncakes and... what was i supposed to do say no? its FLAYN!

  
  


**Emperor Thotticus:** i mean... if you need to eat my food and cry on my floor feel free anytime you know where the hidden key is

  
  


**Sword Bae:** damn you two being friends is more of a mood than i expected. anyway. GOLDEN DEER SOUND OFF LORENZ I STG IF YOU LOST ANY OF THEM AT THAT PARTY IM GONNA HANG YOU BY YOUR TONSILS

  
  


**Lemon Helmet:** I DONT THINK I DID! BUT SOMEHOW I ENDED UP AT THE NEW HOUSE???? and Leonie and Claude are the only people here, Edelgard dropped Hilda off with Claude around 4 am but shes... gone now

  
  


**Delicate Flower:** I stole some clothes from the closet and biked home 

  
  


**Bow King:** YOU STOLE MY BIKE/????? AND MY CLOTHES????? send pics uwu

  
  


**Delicate Flower:** I WAS GONNA ASK FOR A RIDE BUT LIKE I GO DOWNSTAIRS AT SEVEN IN THE FUCKIN MORNING HUNGOVER AS SHIT AND WHAT DO I SEE BUT LEONIE SITTING ON AN EMPTY UPSIDE DOWN PAINT BUCKET IN OUR UNFINISHED KITCHEN SOBBING INTO A BOWL OF RASIN BRAN WHILE YOURE RAMBLING ON ABOUT YOUR EX WIFE TO MAKE HER CALM DOWN OR SOMETHING AND LORENZ IS LIKE "NOOO LET HER CRYYYYYY SHE NEEDS TO LET IT OOOUUTTTTTTT!!!!!" so I just left... shit was awk...

  
  


**Lance Queen:** OMFG IM SO SORRY ASDFGHGFDFGHJKL I WAS THE LAST PERSON TO GO TO BED AND I WAS STILL DRUNK WHEN LORENZ WOKE ME UP 

  
  


**Sword Bae:** what were you crying about???

  
  


**Lance Queen:** oh ya know, the usual. Just currently going through what Claude calls the "letting go"

  
  


**Bow King:** long story short its a transition period where you need to let go of preconcieved notions about relationships and adjust to the new system. basically Leonie dissasociated into her cereal having a drunk panic attack about whether or not everyone else is happy and if shes fucking everything up. my hungover ass thought the best thing to do was tell you how about how much arranged marriages suck and how happy I am to be with people I actually care about. but it came out as "my ex wife fucking sucked" 

  
  


**Lemon Helmet:** once again, I wonder why you're the one in charge

  
  


**Bow King:** ...cause I'm hot?

  
  


**Lemon Helmet:** Yeah sure. you can be the figurehead while I do all the work... AGAIN. 

  
  


**Bow King:** ...I was IN ANOTHER COUBNTRY. RULING SAID COUNTRY.

  
  


**Delicate Flower:** nah you were just an alliance spy we sent to fuck everything up lmao

  
  


**Bow King:** ah yes, fucking everything up... by ushering in an unheard of era of peace, completely overhauling the education system, and generally fixing everything....

  
  


**Delicate Flower:** exactly.

  
  



	9. nine

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Whoops i disappeared for two and a half months! sorry!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Claude: Bow King  
> Hilda: Delicate Flower  
> Ignatz: Ignites  
> Raphael: Lunchman  
> Marianne: Disney Princess  
> Lorenz: Lemon Helmet  
> Leonie: Lance Queen  
> Lysithea: Kneecap Thief   
> Dimitri: die-mitri  
> Sylvain: The Fucker Floats  
> Ingrid: big oof  
> Felix: feels-ix  
> Dedue: Trumpet Noises  
> Annete: Weedys  
> Ashe: UwU *shoots u*  
> Mercedes: Motorcycle  
> Edelgard: Emperor Thotticus  
> Hubert: Emo Shit  
> Ferdinand: FerdieBirdie  
> Bernadetta: SniperWriter  
> Dorothea: Edelgard's bitch  
> Petra: Pet rock  
> Caspar: The Strong One  
> Lindhart: The Smart One  
> Byleth:Sword Bae

**FEAR THE DEER GROUPCHAT (SUPER-ULTRA-SECRET)**

  
  


**Lemon Helmet:** so my dad found out...

  
  


**Kneecap Thief:** oof

  
  


**Lance Queen:** anyway i started blastin

  
  


**Bow King:** whats the damage

  
  


**Lemon Helmet:** he's... confused

  
  


**Delicate Flower:** well what does that mean for us

  
  


**Lemon Helmet:** theoretically nothing, I'm financially independant, the worst he could do is hold hostage anything in my old bedroom.

  
  


**Bow King:** you felt the need to tell us so something's gotta be wrong

  
  


**Lemon Helmet:** I mean.... does anyone else's parents know about this? like the WHOLE thing? cause my father knows all of it, somehow.

  
  


**Delicate Flower:** Im clear, my brother knows all and will go ham on anyone who defies me ^-^

  
  


**Lance Queen:** if Byleth gets to date Jeritza then I get to date you under any circumstance. that's just fair play

  
  


**Ignites:**... I haven't talked to my dad in three months and frankly if your dad knows mine in this lifetime im CONCERNED. so long as the tuition gets paid i'm not going to involve my parents in my love life.

  
  


**Bow King:** ^^ big same. they're in another country and our bloodline has been out of power for over 80 years since they switched to a republic gov, wtf are they gonna do?

  
  


**Disney Princess:** hm. now that I'm thinking about it. I haven't explained any of this to my father. I probably should!

  
  


**Kneecap Thief:** yeaaaaah i'm going to do that too. Even though I'm not like really involved right now, since i'm gonna be living in the house with yall i should make sure he's on the up n up.

  
  


**Bow King:** might wanna also go just... prreemptively let the rest of the group know that we're being watched.

  
  


\--

**class of chaos**

  
  


**Lemon Helmet: @everyone** my dad somehow fund out about the Golden Deer Situation and he's threatening to... tell people about it???? so if for some reason you think having your parents know about/be told vaguely wrong versions my love life would put you or anyone else in danger... fix that please?

  
  


**die-mitri:**...do you want me to call my dad? cause I can call my dad.

  
  


**Bow King:** oh yeaahhh, your family actually maintained status this whole time! Like i knew that, from a functional stamdpoint, the Faergus monarchy has been relatively unchanged for a looong time, but it's just now hitting me. damn.

  
  


**Emperor Thotticus:** well technically your family is still the Almyran royal family

  
  


**Bow King:** yeah but we have no political power. we're basically just reality tv celebs at this point. calling my dad would not help rn

  
  


**Emperor Thotticus:** fair. idk what happened to my family. we have money, but like... we stopped being impprtant after I died last time lmao. but Ferdie's family is p much the same.

  
  


**FerdieBirdie:** yeah basically since you never had kids, we just......... handed the power over to my family in the least fancy way possible. we even stopped calling the leader "emperor" after a while. now we're just a thinly veiled constitutional monarchy with a council of elected ministers that do most of the work for us. we're quickly on our way to reality tv status tbh.

  
  


**die-mitri:** well for once I'm gonna have to be the one to do it all. ok.

  
  


**die-mitri:** well we're all in Alliance territory but all three nations are under the Fodlan Union Constitution which specifies that sexual orientation and relationship status are protected under the Anti-Discrimination section of the Rights Ammendment and Felix was there when they wrote that so I know we fixed all the loopholes... given how tight the Alliance tends to take discrimination laws if he does pull anything it could likely be considered slander, since your family is majorly politically active as are several others in the group. I'll have dad's law team double check it though just in case.

  
  


**die-mitri:** We might want to consider some preemptive publicity on the subject, pehaps make a reltionship phamplet to display in the diversity office, or schedule as speaker as an on-campus event? as well as things like making sure to be generally open about things on social media to make sure there's evidence that we're being truthful in our take on the situation, in case he tries to imply that it is somehow dangerous or unhealthy.

  
  


**Emperor Thotticus:** I can look at event schedules today! Ferdie, how are we for pamphlets?

  
  


**FerdieBirdie:** I think we have enough fliers for club fair and we have a good chunk of the printer card left, how does 70 sound? 25 for the ODEI and 25 for the councilling office, and the 20 left can sit on the club fair table? if they fly off the shelves we can do more.

  
  


**Delicate Flower:** I'll dm you some source links for research!

  
  


**The Fucker Floats:**... i was gonna suggest throwing water balloons full of paint at his stupid house

  
  


**die-mitri:** if he isn't afraid of my lawyers then we do that too and blame it on his cousins cause they're dipshits.

  
  


**Bow King:** and THAT is why you guys have remained in power since the Fodlan Union Constitution was signed. Rules lawyering and malicious compliance in favor of the populace. well fucking done for being consistently functional. I wish that wasn't such a rare thing.

  
  


**SniperWriter:** speaking of club fair, who's going to be available to work it? we want at least 2 people at all times right?

  
  


**Emo Shit:** the fair is from 10-2, I have a class from 10-11 but I can man the desk after that

  
  


**Emperor Thotticus:** I can do 1-2, but im in class otherwise

  
  


**Lance Queen:** I'm free from 10-12!

  
  


**Lindhart:** I can come from 11-1

  
  


**Bow King:** it's wednesday right? I'm free after 10 the whole day! so I'll hang out!

  
  


**Emo Shit:** good, that's enough core people, anyone else can come around as they wish, or perhaps walk around campus with the small flyers.

  
  


**The Fucker Floats:** since I get off class at 10:30 cause weird scheduling and have nothing else to do i could totally run over and just grab a pizza or something for the table! that way we don't have to worry about people grbbing lunch.

  
  


**Emperor Thotticus:** that would be lovely! thanks!

  
  



End file.
